corruptedlust

A reference post, mostly for me

I haven't read as much as I'd like.
So here's to 50 books in 2010.

( she says she's no good with words )

Somewhere in there I lost a month. Moved (again)..well...moved into a house because a relationship was going really well..and then had it all fall apart and make me move back where I'd come from.

I'm sick of moving my things.

Then I had to disappear for a bit to go to KY 'cause my dad got sick again. All is well...but so much time as passed.

It's days like this I really feel like I'm losing my mind

Title: still even on the inside
Author: corruptedlust
Fandom: Star Trek Reboot - Kirk/Bones
Rating: PG-13ish (some strong language, although rarely)
Word Count: 1000
Disclaimer: These boys are not mine. Not even a little bit.
Notes: For the picfor1000 challenge. Link to my image below. There's absolutely no mention of food, but being a good southern girl the pic made me think of comfort and then this fic happened. Title and pre-cut lyrics from Ani DiFranco- Studying Stones which came on my random shuffle as soon as I started to write and thereby heavily influenced everything.

Image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/galant/2887427240/

I am out here studying stones
trying to learn to be less alive
Using all of my will
to keep very still
still even on the inside

( Numb is an old hat )

I'm headed out for the night..and when I get back to this desk and this chair it will be a new year.

I could have never imagined that I would be where I am right now. With a brand new set of friends, two relationships in the ashes, on the complete opposite side of town and maybe something to look forward to that I thought I'd lost.

I'm still not posting here as much as I'd like. And I'm still not as *connected* to people as I want but I've found myself going out again and talking on the phone and texting and facebooking...from hermit to slightly-crippled social butterfly.

There are a lot of you who will see this that I just want to say this to: I may not say it enough (or at all) but I think of you often. And I read what you have to say. And I'm here. I see you...even when I'm quiet. And I love you.

Neil and Wil said it best..so I will mesh them together and add a few words to the mix:
May you find love. May you remember to laugh. And may this year bring you the courage to put something into existance that didn't exist before you made it. Make something. Anything.

*blows kisses*

2010 scares me. Because I've done a lot of work in 2009 to make 2010 the year of getting what I want, what I have always wanted.

And I'm scared that I'm not going to come through. That I'm some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy of failure.

I need coffee. And waffles. Because the year isn't quite here yet.

My mother gave me a new sketchbook for christmas with post its on it..that said "Hint hint."
"And if you don't know what hint hint means..."
"It means write something!"

(I always write in sketchbooks because I don't like the lines)

So I'm going to take that and the last of my mimosas to bed. And put the second disc of criminal minds in..

I've been thinking of The Red Queen. And Helen. And Persephone. There's some books I need to dig out so I can solidify my thoughts.

*blows kisses*

One month since I moved. And today driving home on my long ass drive which should be fixed sometimes next month I realized...I'm happy. Lonliness still rears up on me. And I beat myself up over the same things..but I'm happy.

I love my roomates. I love Atlanta and now I feel much more of a part of it.

It's time to ignore that shitty part of my brain that bitches that I don't read enough, don't write enough, have too many unfinished sewing projects...

Alone on Christmas. The roomies went out of town. Parents are too far away. But I've got mimosas. And I'm making Shepherd's Pie. And netflix should be giving me the second disc of Season 1 of Criminal Minds tomorrow.

For now. Love Actually because I watch it every year. (There's a boy that I want to make a sign that says "to me you are perfect" for...but I will chicken out..like always...)

So it seems that I'm moving next week. Just from the south side of Atlanta up to the north side. For the time being I'm still going to drive 40min down to work. That might change.

It came up suddenly and I didn't really think about it. I guess I'm just so sick of feeling stagnant that I'm looking for any sort of momentum.

I sent in my application for accommodation at Leeds. I really need to sit down and work on scholarship apps. And my visa app. And getting my passport updated. Fucking paperwork.

I don't know where I'm going right now. There's a big gap in my thought between now and september. I just keep thinking of that school. Of latin and Chaucer and working towards teaching.

The days don't go by fast enough.

note the first: I'm cold...seriously

I feel vaguely lost on a daily basis, as if i'm just drifting through for no real reason. Sometimes it's hard to remember the things I used to believe in.

My mother told me this morning that she doesn't let herself have hope for me anymore because she builds up all this hope and I let her down.

That really doesn't sit right with me.

And I just don't know what to do with it.

9 months. How fucking nuts is it that I'm already counting down to something that I don't have the money for yet?

I've pulled my books out of storage. Set them up on a shelf all proper. Maybe tomorrow I'll take the Latin down and start translating.

I dream of the apocalypse. Almost every night. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Sometimes I think that it's my own end of the world. That's what I'm waiting for. I'm waiting to destroy this life I have right now and move onto something different.

I've been playing too many video games. And working a job I hate. And chasing after a book that has no idea he's being chased.

I'm not letting it get away from me this time. 9 months. Just hold on 'til then. Survive all this..and get on a plane..and leave your love and your longing behind.

Because that song is right...I can't take it with me if I want to survive.